you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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