Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
from now on my penis is your penis
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
