Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize