Swine flu. Run for my life!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
