Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
