Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
