naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
