I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize