just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
