he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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