I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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