i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
