I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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