Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
