Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this boner is exhausting
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
