she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
