I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
