I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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