Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
