Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
