I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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