I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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