He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
