I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
