Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
