Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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