A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
