After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize