So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
