the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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