awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize