I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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