R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
