My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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