I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
