Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
