drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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