i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
