4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
