Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
