Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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