i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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