just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the condom got lost in my hair
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
