He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
