I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
