Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
