Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize