So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Barsexuality is the new black.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
