Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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