You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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