don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
