Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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