I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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