Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
