I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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