i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
