I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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